American History class

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.'

Wife Wanted

Found in the humour page of a newspaper with following matrimonials published in it:

BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

Contributed by: Devi

Innocence at its Best

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,

.

.

.
.

.

.

"Then why did you eat him?"

Custody Problem

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued,˜Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?

Hai koi jawaab?

Funny Equations

SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT

An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896

4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie.

Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol...

Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials.

Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya Film

Reading mails all the time + no replies = Silence of the Lamb!

Software Engineer, Qualified Employee + No Work = Forwards

Fashion Show

Once, when Mullah Nasruddin was visiting a Western town, he was invited to attend a fashion show. He went, and afterwards he was asked how he liked it.

"It's a complete swindle!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Whatever do you mean?" he was asked.

"They show you the women - and then try to sell you the clothes!"

Somethings you cant explain...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain.

Conjugal Humor

Image via Wikipedia

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------ --------- --------- ------------ ---------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

------------ --------- --------- ---------------------------------------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have did the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Small World!

Image via Wikipedia

Gaurav decides to take his boss Sanjay to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Gaurav offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Gaurav said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.

Sanjay just shook his head at Gaurav and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf.

Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

Gaurav asked, "What's wrong?"

Sanjay replies, "It's a small, small world Gaurav, and you're fired"

---

May I smoke while I pray?

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Mother-in-law

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.'

'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at two hundred yards'.

True Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time,

asks the boy, How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you
to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door .

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; You're in my closet now.

Software Engineering Explained

World Economy - LoL!

10 Ways Microsoft's Retail Stores Will Differ From Apple Stores

1) Unlike Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls speckled with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.

2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.

3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a problem with the hardware -- not a software bug.

4) The Windows Genuine Advantage team will run storefront security, assuming everybody is a thief until they can prove otherwise.

5) Store hours are undetermined. At any given time the store mysteriously closes down instantaneously for no apparent reason. (No word yet on what happens to customers inside).

6) Stores will be named Microsoft Live Retail Store with PC Services for Digital Lifestyle Enthusiasts.

7) Fashioned after Microsoft's User Account Control (UAC) in Vista, sales personnel will ask you whether you're positive you want to purchase something at least twice.

8) Xbox 360 section of the store will be organized in a ring -- which will inexplicably go red occasionally.

9) DreamWorks will design a spooky in-store theme park ride called "blue screen of death."

10) Store emergency exits will be unlocked at all times so people can get in anytime they want even if the front doors are locked.

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
—Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
—Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
—Woody Allen

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
—George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
—Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex—-no matter what she’s reading."
—Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
—Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
—Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
—Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
—Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
—Robert De Niro

"There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?"
—Dustin Hoffman

"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
—Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
—Rod Stewart

Where are you now?

Humor for Computer Programers

1.Two Recursive functions calling each other
Mujhe kuchh kehna hein
mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein
pehle tum, pehle tum

2. The debugger
Jab koi baat bigad jaye
Jab koi mushkil pad jaye
Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz

3. From VC++ to VB
Yeh haseen vaadiyan
Yeh khula asmaan
Aa gaye hum kahan

4. Untrackable bug --
aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi,
awaaz de kahin se

5. Unexpected bug (esp. during presentation to client)
Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua

6. And then to the client
Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho

7. Load Balancing
Saathi haath badhana
ek akela thak jayega
mil kar bojh uthana

8. Modem - talk on a busy connection
suno - kaho,
kaha - suna,
kuch huwa kya?
Abhee to nahin...
kuch bi nahin

9. Windows getting open sourced
Parde mein rahne do
parda na uthao
parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha
allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba

10. Local variable
Jeena Yahan Marna Yahan,
Iske siva Jana kaahan.

11. Global variable
Musafir hoon yaaron,
na ghar hai na thikana

12. Null pointers
Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya ..

13. Dangling pointers
Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin.

14. GOTO
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh
Kahan shuru kahan khatam
Ye manzilen hain kaun si
Na woh samajh sake na hum

15. Hidden or Private scope Variable/value
Jaanejan dhoondta phir raha,
Hoon tujhe raat din,
main yahan se wahan

American History class

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said,
'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.'

Hi...Hil..Hill. Hillary....Hilarious

Obama and Hillary:

Yashomati maiya se bole Obama:

"Hillary kyun gori.... Main kyun Kala"!

OBAMA

O - Originally
B - Born in
A - Africa to
M - Manage
A - America

.

The Original Computer!!

Memory was something you lost with age;
An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.

A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.


You just hoped nobody ever found out!